Demon's lair

It feels as though the only time i post is when im sad. Okay well recently my aunt got divorced and remarried and by doing so my cousins got a few new step-brothers. there pretty hot and after some time me and the youngest (who's my age) started to hang out and he's pretty fucking cool except the part where he's a homophobe. but besides that i liked him.

now i like girls, thats for sure. However i also like yaoi and gay people i think alot of its pretty hot, i just dont think i could do it myself. '

now there was this girl i like and over the summer i confronted her she responded by telling me that she liked me too and when she got back from vacation we would get together, she acted like i never told her anything....
so i let it go, and was pissed off to see her flirting with other guys ifront of me 2 weeks after she shot me down.... im not going to lie i was pretty hurt but eventually got over it. now the whole fucking school hates her and im one of the 3 that doesn['t and so shes all over me hugging me and touching me and just being intimate with me and then at lunch i was lying down on the floor she sits on me and starts grinding on me, making me think i had a shot.

now my aunt is asking me to hook the two of them up together (knowing i liked her) and what made me sad is that they didnt need my help getting together.... 

it just sucks...........



and i know i dont have very good grammar in this, structure or flow, but its 1 in the morning and im sad i dont care,.... maybe ill fix it tomorrow

you would think that gay people having a good fashion sense would have picked better team colors...... lol 

Happy New Years everybody! already my years starting off a little bleh but i am going to ignore it and go on with my day!

My New Years Resolutions!
1) Do yoga everyday, to get in shape!
2) Be a better Buddhist, to get in touch with myself!
3) Stay on top of things, so i don't go crazy with last minute stuff!

This year i think i can actually stick to them

    Since the age of 12 I have looked older then i really am. Whether that came from doing things i should have been older for, being 6' +, or just the fact i really am more mature then the majority of my age group (really i am not blowing my own horn, i get told so on a regular basis) isn't the point! I was about 12 when i started hanging around an older crowd and doing stupid things, but no matter who i was with or what the occasion was, the guys have all "tested" me in one way or another. sometimes though it turned into just plain harassment!
    Before when i would drink, id go to a party or something and as soon as id walk in the door guys would crowd around me check to see if i was wanting to start trouble (luckily they never thought that) then they would take me over to the drinks and try to prove themselves better then me by trying to out drink me. Because of my size though, i have a high tolerance for alchohol, so it would alway end up with people talking shit about me (to belittle me) or about them ( to build them up). Either way it bothered me that i could never have a good time because of that!
    So today i went to a BBQ it was my aunts, for my cusions pee wee football team and all their parents. i knew something was going to happen so i was kinda distant from everybody. then my uncle was having a texas holdem tournament and i was like im in!
    so im playing still just keeping quite cause i didnt want to attract any attention, right! but No!  as soon as i sat down "What the hell? Go get a beer!" (as a personal choice decided on not drinking anymore) i said no and thanked him. as you might have guessed they couldnt have left it at that! "oh you were an alchoholic?" i was like....do you see my mouth watering? (lol i didnt say it outloud but i was thinking it!) so then there like "dont be a bitch just drink!" im like nope im good! they kept insisting that if i dont that, that makes me a "bitch" i told them be that as it may, im not drinking!
    then when i started winning in the game they started talking even more shit. talking about how im still a "baby" and about how many bitches they did, how freaky they get, and blah blah blah. the whole time i was like so wanting to say " yeah this is boring here cash me out, and oh, by the way, im so "freaky" i not ONLY like pussy..... and just walk away!"

The fact is guys cant just "be"! there has to be an"alpha male" and his "underlings"! they cannot ever be just equals! and the way they try to establish their twisted little dominance hierarchy is by talking shit to deflate others egos, augment their own, comparing dick sizes, sexual experiences and so forth,    
    my night ended by getting irritated and  cashing my chips and leaving...
lol theirs my little rant

when i was a younger i used to have major anger issues. to be honest i think ive got it under control now... well i still get irritated easily but i dont start shaking uncontrolloble have pain in my stomach lasting for days even after i calm down, nosebleeds, migraines, throwing up, or black outs.

   

    i dont expect life to be perfect. i really dont. but should i except that all this drama is apart of my life? should i start talking to my dad again because i was being stupid in the first place by refusing to except that a drug, violence, and just drama free life was a fantasy? should i just give in? am i being imature for wanting more good and less bad?  am i a bad person for wanting to just get away? should i stay and grow accustomed to expecting jealuos girlfriends to bust in my door looking to fight? i dont know what to do here, im seroisly at a loss. i feel as though im trying to handle this in a mature way when everybody else to me seems juvenile and is telling me that im the one whos acting like a kid and to grow up? i havent been this confused in a long time.

my mom still hasnt come home.... i think she was drinking when she left. shes been drinking alot latly when before at most shed drink a beer or a glass of wine. i feel like my life is falling apart again when i was just trying to put back the pieces from the last time. i just dont know what to do?

has any one reading this ever wanted to beat someones ass so badly it makes you shake just thinking about it?

last night  my mom decided to throw a party. i dont like being around alot of people at once so i asked her to give me some money to go rent a game or a movie. well i rented all kinds of movies. and i went to my cuzins house to watch em with them. i came home about 10 and i came through the garage door and straight down to my room to avoid the akward indroductions. and i watched another movie. so my night didnt go terreble but it was this morning that im like what the hell happened?

   

    maybe its cause my mom's hung over? maybe that might not be it though cause since about 10 my mom hasnt drank and even before that she never drank enough to have a hang over the next day. you know what i dont even care anymore im done with her, whether its right or wrong i dont care, i just dont.........